Tanya

 My husband and son should be taking a small trip early next month to new mexico. It should be about 3 days. Those days will be my fasting days. I'm not a good faster, but this is my nearest chance of getting that. I'm excited and looking forward to it. 

As for now i am stuck at the same weight. BUT i have been doing cardio and weights for about a week now. I know I'm not imagining things, i can already see my arms toning. It's very motivating :) IF i can't peel off the lbs for now, i'm going to at least boost my metabolism and tone up my yucky spots. I'm feeling so good lately too. I don't eat until dinner, but i do eat more than a should. But the exercise is feeling so good. I have more energy and motivation to do my wifey house keeping duties lol. I'm feeling positive :)

ugg. So i'm 139 this morning. I've been going back and forth between 137 and 139 the past few days. I see 140 every night when i'm full of water and whatnot so it sucks just to see that 4. I've decided i need to crack down on all this. I had some nasty sweet candy type shit i made early today. It's meant for kids, melted chocolate and p buttter and cereal and stuff. way to sugary. I got heart burn from it. I'm cooking a roast for dinner and mashed potatos and shit. I need yo just save myself a small small portion for dinner later. I'll eat right before bed so i can go to sleep. I think thats my new plan. That and shit loads of water. I'm on my fucking period again. It's only been two weeks since my last one. God damn. Every fucking two weeks i spot and get my period. It doesn't matter what birth controll i'm on, i can never get this shit under control grrrr!  I was doing real well ten lbs ago....just carefully counting and measuring my calories. i must do good! must must must!

 I have to pee right now. Soooo today was ok. I was 138 this morning. I expected so. Whatever. I'm trying to be good, but its so hard. I'm purging alot. I don't really feel bad about doing it, but bad about the food i eat in the first place that makes me want to do it. It's not getting me anywhere much... I don't know. But i must must must lose! I must be 135 on july 5th! So we'll see what happens. ugg. I've been so down lately. I put my painting supplies out on the table twice this week, and both times i did nothing. Nothing at all. They're still sitting on my kitchen table. :( I think these new birth control pills are gettin to me. I'll just blame it on them. yeah...

Ok so i was 137.6 today when i wandered into the kitchen naked at 8 am. Ha ha i don't normally sleep all the way nude but its been so hot here. 112-115 all week has been the average. Of course my central air is set at 80 degrees though. lol haha enough of this weather talk. I'm very happy with the scale today. I know i'm not going to binge today. A smile spread across my face when i saw that number. I was so surprised. Maybe i can get to 135 before i go to california after all :) I mean i know i can but, I just need to try and stop this binging. And this new bad habit. 

Yesterday i felt sick all day. Didn't eat until 3 pm and i felt even worse after that. I purged but i felt sick anyways. It was pretty bad. Normally i don't get very much up, but this time i know i did, it was pretty gross. I continued to feel sick all evening and eventually threw up stomach acid around 10 pm last night. I was just trying to relax on the sofa and drink some cold water, but i felt like shit. Wow and that stomach acid was disgusting. I could feel it on my teeth. I brushed my teeth right away. Yuck. I don't want to feel sick like that today. But I'm still not eating until dinner anyways. If i feel sick i'll just relax. That number today was such a boost.

Maybe i'm getting out of my slump. Maybe a month of being the same weight was all i needed for motivation? I hope so. I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to be constantly telling people when i'm not eating "I'm on a diet" and not be losing anything. I hate it when girls do that. "I'm dieting" and they're fat and not losing anything because as soon as they get home they eat two bowls of ice cream and half a pizza. 

Anyways i feel really positive today. I know i say that alot, but i feel good, I'm happy and i have some chores to keep me busy today. I'm looking forward to sunday! I'm getting my son's picture's done with my best friend's daughter. :) It's gunna be cute cute cute! The only thing i dread is a drive to her side of the valley. Oh well.

I hope today is a success!

Muther fucker. My stupid lap top makes me delete stuff all the time. I was just rambling on about whoa as me i'm so fat blah blah blah. Everyone else around me is losing or skinnier than me period. Must be nice to be thinner than me. I was just looking at that number. 40. 140. 4. FOUR. There should never be  a 4 in that place in my weight. That number disgusts me. Thats huge. I'd cry from joy if i could see 129. 2! two two two two two two two. 122. That sounds awesome. One twenty two. That sounds perfect. That is my ideal i think. Right now it sound so pleasing. I'm obsessed. Just upset to. fuck my body. I wish i could just starve myself all day for a few days, just sleep and drink water. Use some sleeping pills and such. But i can't just lock myself in my room with pills and books. I want to. That'd be fabulous. But its out of the question. It was so much easier to diet when i never had to prepare food for my son. When he was just drinking formula last year....or when i was a teenager and all my mom made was cheap tiring shit anyways. Salads and apples. Oh how i miss them. They just don't satisfy my fat ass anymore. I think i need to direct my emotions into art. Focus on the paintings i have going right now. I need to withdrawl from my slight depression and disapointment and turn it into something distracting and useful. *sigh*

141. 8. I'm always seeing that number. At least its not the 147 i saw on saturday. I've had two rice cakes and sugar free candy today, and i feel like i've cheated but i haven't. I'm lacking the desire to binge. I hope this lasts all day. I'm horribly mad at myself for seeing those numbers on saturday. I'm going to california in 3 weeks. For a whole week. I'm getting tired of traveling, but i love it. Other than the be being a lard ass part. Hopefully i can lose a few lbs by then, so i wont feel so guilty when i come home and see how much i've gained. 

On a different note. Arizona is one of the cheapest places to get gas in the US that i know of. Gas is 4.05 a gallon last time i checked. So i know gas is at least 4.50-5.00 a gallon in california. It'll still be cheaper to drive there than fly. More of a pain in the ass, yeah but cheaper. Thank god for my little car :) Gets good milage :)  Eh the economy is depressing right now. I ramble. I think i shall for look at some thinspo so i don't go eat junk. 

Don't you hate it when a friend brings up the idea to go out, and flakes on their own idea constantly? She keeps getting my hopes up and then just totally ignores me or has some dumb excuse. Don't even fucking ask me if i want to go do something if you're just going to ignore me! the end.

 Thats what i am. I've been hardly getting on here lately. And i've been eating like a fat ass. No support=fat ass. Er, i need to start back on here everyday. I've been busy everyweekend lately....went camping one weekend, and went out of state this week end. It has been exhausting. And of course when i get stuck in the car for hours upon end all i do is eat. Er. I' sick of all the excuses in my head for eating all this food. Its not worth it. What did the scale say on saturday night? 147. Holy crap how did that happen?? Today i was 143. So waterweight n stuff i guess. I've purged twice this weekend too. It's not really the norm for me...and it wont be. So somehow i gained 4-5 lbs in a week or so. Horrible. Good thing we're broke until friday though :)

I also have some new books to read. The "His Dark Materials" series (golden compass), and "Memnoch the Devil" of the anne rice vampire series.  I own all the others and realized today i was missing that one. So i'll start reading that tonight...or maybe after i'm done re-reading "The Vampire Lestat"....I'm such a nerd. 

Different but related note....My mother in law is LDS and she will be staying a night here next weekend...I get worried she'll see all my books somtimes and judge me. She's very sweet and i love her, but she's always makeing me uncomfortable with all her god talk. She quit smoking and i asked her how she did it this weekend, and she said god did it not her. Give me a break. God didn't do it. Her willpower did. She used her belief in god as a reason to exercise willpower. I'm not God bashing by the way, i wont even go into anything like that....But anyways She's constantly bringing up "the scriptures say" and telling us to go to church anytime i see her. All it does is make me uncomfortable and drive me away from such things. Don't get me wrong, yes i do belive in god, but the people that ramble about him all day and gove him credit for things when they should pat themselves on the back, annoys me. 

So anyways the way that is related is about my books. 90% of my books are fantasy ficton/mythology/astrology/Tarot/Palm reading etc. And i just know she's going to make some freaking comment. Why is it that anything strange or different is devil worship? My Dad made some comment(he's an idiot by the way) about the golden compass movie being about evil or some bullshit. Hm doesn't seem that way at all to me! The series is on the same fantasy level as Narnia, or LOTR, and guess what those authors are christian. Oh wait the reason that movie is evil is because the spirits of humans in animal form are called daemons. Ok so the word demon is used. Damn can't a author use a word without being judged. Symbols are used everywhere. People are always eager to write off shit as evil when all they are are idiots. 

Sorry this has been bothering me. And since my dumb myspace account has easily offendable people on it, i shall ramble her. ok i'm done. er. damn you myspace.

Things just suck. My husband is on his way home soon, but a guy is buying him lunch/dinner so hopefully he doesn't expect me to make dinner for him. I ate about 400 cals maybe of food today. If that. I feel kinda sick right now and don't want to eat as of right now. I was just landscaping the bushes in the front yard. For a whole 1/2 hour! That doesn't sound like much, but holding something at the level of your head for half the time can be exhausting for your muscles. 

On a totally random different note, i'm obsessed. I watched my 2004 phantom of the opera the other day, and i can't believe  forgoy how awesome it is. I love nothing more than musicals! Especially ones with misunderstood bad guys....that are played by a good looking actor! lol So i bought the gaston leroux phantom book from 1925...read it all...and it gives you a totally different feel about the characters. I perfer the andrew lloyd webber version by far. In the book the phantom is unrealisticly deformed, nothing i've ever heard of. And he's a crazy killer, he doesn't have the same "i'm in love" type of excuse in the book. You feel less pity for him in the book. And theres nothing sensual in the book at all. I like how the movie(never seen the play...) you think everytime the phantom touches christine that the sexual tension will break, and maybe finally she'll fall for him. I hate it! This is one of those movies i watch, and every time i hope it ends differently than it does. BUT i hear Andrew lloyd webber is working on a sequel! So it'll either suck of be great. If it takes place in a different area or city i'm worried. And if there is a different female interest. It just has to be christine, why can't the poor finally have the loving wife he so desires?
Eh ok so i ramble. I was thinking about seeing the las vegas production of phantom the next time we go. We should be up there in the next 2 or so months, But i hear its over priced. 68 for the cheapest seats is about the same as any other vegas shows though? I should just ditch the hubby and pay 110 for a closer seat haha. ok i'm out...

Well nothings changed. Drama drama. I've been avoiding the computer for the last week or so. Er. And i haven't lost anything. I'm not even trying anymore. I haven't gained but i'm stuck and i'm too lazy to try anymore. Maybe within the next week or so i'll get back into gear.

 I'm freakin stuck. 139 3rd or 4th day in the row. At least a haven't gained thank god. I've been adding in walking everyday, i think that is what has been saving me. I couldn't do 2468. I suck. But i did ok today anyways. about 640 cals plus 20 mins cardio w/ a ten lb weight belt on. I can't believe i used to have 4 of those things on me just over a year ago. I wonder if i carried 45 extra lbs on me, in weights just doing normal stuff everyday, if that'd make me lose very quickly? I know i'd get tired sore feet for sure. 
I discovered something wonderful i think it's....smart choice frozendinners? Anyways i discovered this one i know love. Broccoli potatos and cheese sauce. 220 cals. And its realllly filling! I added in an extra cup of broccoli. So that was dinner. I'm hoping to starve myself all day tomorrow. But i know that wont happen, i always disappoint :(

But anyways i'm going to go see Prince Caspian cause i'm a  narnia NERD!!!!  I'm sooo excited! So i must save up all my calories for popcorn! I think i get my economic stimulus check tomorrow too! I hope so! I want to shop so bad! eh, ok night night time for me now....

 I have a headache. I was bad yesterday. I'm such a loser ugg. I only went over like 100 cals today. But i still feel guitly, i ate even when i waan;t hungry? Why? Cause i felt like ti could since i didn't gain. I'm so dumb. Just cause the scale said 139 i figured ok i can eat breakfast. grrr! I was looking back in my food journal from last year. So much stricter. I need to recreate my old journal. Eat all the same things....maybe that will get me back on track haha. I'm sooo mad at myself! I need to just not eat. Thats all. But i do out of bordem. I went for a 30 min walk with my son again today. So thats good. I need to go do some weights and try to get on that torture device of mine. Any kind of exercise will be good for me so i need to just stop being lazy and do it....i wish i didn't live so close to the ghetto...and walmart haha. Otherwise i'd put my running shoes to good use. I hate running, but i'm desperate. Well the eliptical it is then. I'm go force myself onto it. 30 mins burns 300 cals. If i put my 10 lb weight belt on i can burn a little bit more i think....I'm soooo sad right now. Oh and guess what else?

I'm still on my period. What the hell? I decided i don't like my new birth control. Not one bit. I've been bleeding for well over a week now. And not just spotting, like full blown i'm gonna die shit. I think a want to swithc back to lo estrin. This new shit sucks. Ok well i'll go off and try to exercise i guess haha ehhhh.....

I'm tired of going back and forth like this. I just want to go down down down. None of this yoyoing bull. I'm not eating salad for lunch, i'm waiting as long as i can to eat today. I still feel like a cheat for going over 60 cals yesterday.  Er. Well i have 400 cals, and if i play my cards right i can have a good sized dinner of mostly veggies. This day with be better than yesterday. I'm not eating until at least 5 or 6 pm hopefully. Hopefully i visibly see the number on the scale go down a little if i do that.

 I ate like a fool. About 100 cals of those dumb hot cheetos. It's 1:15 pm and i need to wait wait wait til 5 or 6...even maybe 7 to eat. The scale last said 138.8. yay! Eh, i feel kinda sleepy n weird today.

But today starts 2468. And i have a game plan. Lots of food, little calories.

1 can (2 cups) progresso lite veggie soup-120 cals
2 cups salad with vinegrett(yeah spelling) dressing- 30 cals
1 cup coco- 25 cals
1/2 rice cake- 25 cals OR more coco

Thats my plan. I really hope i stick to it! I forgot how much i love progresso soups! Last time i lost tons when my husband was over seas i was a progresso addict. Mmm, minestrone soups, and veggie ones mostly. The ones that are real "lite" with meat arn't rich enough for me... I lived off soups, rice cakes and special k bars. I must strive to do that again....Well hopefully when i update this later, it's all good news! <3

Ok what i ate....

salad-   30 cals
5 hot cheetos-   40 (holy crap thats crazy huh?)
chocolate malt-o-meal wirh splenda and water-  130 cals
1 peanutbutter chocolate rice cake-   60 cals

total- 260

ugg i went over! And i knew i was well i was doing it too! BUT i feel totally full and sooo proud of myself! I just went to the store and got some diet soda so that is going to be my little treat tonight. I did 20 mins of light walking, and i think i shall try to do enough of my eliptical machine tonight to burn off those extra 60 cals. I still should have held back, and at least not eat those damn cheetos. But my tummy is grumbling and i don't even care. Today was just as good as i hoped it would be! I'm sleepy too so i think i really better go to bed early tonight to avoid those late night cravings :)

 This morning i was 141. I can't possibly have gained 3 lbs. Thats means i consumed 10,500 calories. 3500= 1 lb. So i know its just water weight, and my body needing to digest. I had more of that damn fudge this morning. But my mouth feels so sugary and yucky, i think i'm just going to stay away from food most of the day I know tomorrow is going to be awsome. 

Tons of people are starting 2468 on monday, so there will be sooo much support! My friend sam is going to be cracking down on her diet too :) her man is doing navy reserve shit for 2 weeks, so she'll be able to starve herself with no pressure to eat while he's gone. I'm so glad she's a crazy dieter like me. With the support from her and you girls on here, i just know this week is going to be awesome :) 9 days to lose 5-7 lbs for me :) I'm feeling really positive today!

<3 i'll update later! :))) 

Wow, i realy binged last night. I feel bad. I also figured out how to purge, finally. BUT don't anyone tell me alll about it. I know what it leads to, and how it makes you feel :( . It didn't impress me much anyways. All i got now is little red blood vessels all aroud my eyes, what the fuck? How come no one tells me this? hahaha, yeah so not worth all te trouble for me. I'd rather avoid eating all the food in the first place. Ugg, i need to hold it together ad be strong!

Yaaaay! I have been 138 in years and years! I'm sooooo happy! especially after yesterday. Today is going to blow i just know it. But i'll look up calories in beer, and the ribs n shit i'm gonna be eating. Normally i can't eat more than one serving of meat anyways. Meat isn't very nice to my tummy. I'm a bread and starch girl fo sho.

Ok so now just 5 lbs left to lose in 10 days! 

I'll fill in all the food i eat today later. Wish me luck all!!! Luck to you all as well! <3

***12:30 pm***later updated at 11:25pm***

3 biter fudge from cabellas (for mothersday from my hubby) about -  100-200 cals, maybe less
1 hot cheeto-  5-10 cals
6 salted pieces of peanuts-   30 maybe?
more fudge-300-400
and more shit frome dinner than i can remember....800-1000 maybe, anywhere in there? Yeah horrible...its probably more
1 1/2 beers-150-150
a few sips wine-30? 

Oh and that wine was FANCY(pronounced in a red neck accent hahah). It was this $70 french wine my best friend and her man got us for x-mas. We were waiting to share it with them. It was very sweet, but left a hot strong liquor after taste. I still have my glass in the fridge. I wish it wasn't so darn strong....

I did a long walk today. A hour total. My poor baby got is knees sun burnt. The walk back seemed to take forever! It was about 85-90f degrees today. Thats about 29-32c. I was retaining water for hours and hours, from that. But anyways i weigh in at 143 right now. Aint that a bitch? I wish i wouldn't have drank those beers, i never even got a buzz. BUT tomorrow with be wonderful. I can sense it. And monday extra wonderful. I'm not sad i ate bad today, cause i know this week is gonna be good! I have tons of support, and i thank you all so so much! I really am greatful to have people to talk to, and help and encourage me :)))


 

I was 139 this morning. Could be better.

Man, i really thought today was gonna be good. It was til this evening.
food today-

a few bites of dry cereal-   50 cals
1 gala apple-   80 cals
1 sugar free cookie-   35 cals
broccoli n tuna/noodle dinner-   260 cals
A big bite of chocolate almond bar-  70 cals (at least)
about 200 cals of a bite of this, a bite of that...


total about-   698!

wtf! I disapoint. I had a sweet tooth. It all adds up. I was really tired from not getting my nap i wanted, and only getting 4 hrs of sleep last night. Damn you chronicals of narnia. I had to finish the last book so i stayed up til 3:30am....

It could be worse though! I've stayed mostly 139.whatever all day. So i think i should at least be the same tommorrow. My partner in crime is on this side of town tonight, we are supposed to go for a walk...but she is really flakey so i doubt that'll happen. Fuck this shit, i suck. Monday is a fresh start. No bbq or social activities next weekend at least! I'm gonna try to keep it that way to....to avoid social gluttony....

Okay, i'm awake and bored. I need a game plan. I think i'm going to list some foods i put i my food calendar i keep around the house on here. I have a list of low cal foods i normally have around and eat. Maybe if i put it on here i'll look at it more when i'm reading comments and such. I should go to bed already, it's 11:30 and i'm missing sex and the city on tv! haha oh well. Anyways i'm listing this shit so hopefully i'll remind myself of the yummy things that ar ok to eat.....



dill pickle-   5
1 cup broccoli-   30
2 cups salad-   15
1 cup diet coco-   25
3 banana peppers-   5 
1 cup low fat popcorn-   15 
1/4 tea super yummy white cheddar popcorn seasoning haha-   2
1/4 cup onion, brown, or chicken gravy(good for veggies)-   20
1/2 cup canned corn-   60
1 flavored rice cake-   50-60
1/2 box sugar free generic jello-   10
3 oz boiled chicken breast-   150
1 can progresso lite veggie soup-   120 cals
1 can progresso minestrone soup-   200
1 soup at hand chicken and stars-   80
1/3 cup mashed potatos w/whole milk-   58
1 otter pop-   25

pickles sound yummy right now. Oh damn thats right i gotta make my husband his lunch for tomorrow! Tuna fish sandwiches with jalapeno and onion yum yum.

 I perfer pickles or apples in my tuna though. ok night night really this time haha

 

Well i haven't caculated what i ate today yet, but i think its too much already. I almost had a lean pocket for dinner, but instead i skipped it all together. I'm so done eating for the night. There is icecream in the fridge, but i'm too disapointed to give in the my growling tummy....


WW icecream bar for breakfast-  140 cals
some mini cookies estimate-  150 cals
baked lay's chips-  130 cals
2 wheat crackers with cheese & ham- 100 cals (maybe less)
rice krispy-  90 cals
handful of marshmallows- 100 cals
one mint oreo cookie-  about 50 cals


total-  870! holy shit! Even i'm surprised! Guh.

What really sucks is i was eating high sugar, high fat foods. So i didn't get the most for my calories. None of the food was filling, at all. The last time i ate was 2:00.  So i'm starving but i'm so disapointed. I could have a full belly right now if i ate 200 calories in broccoli all day instead of this processed shit!  How dumb of me. Gala apples and diet dr pepper all day tommorrow. Haha yeah right my next post will have bad shit it in lol. I suck. I pray i do better. 

Oh and i never post my caloies from my drinks. I drink my 10 cals per 16 oz crystal lite, water, and diet soda all day. So i drink maybe 40-80 cals of drinks all day. But that hardly matters when i eat so much damn food. But yeah i never post my drink cals, cause they're far and few between. Plus the few cals from my teas keep me going when I'm not eating :)

I suck, but tomorrow with be better!

Oh yeah i was 140 today :( 
But some days i go up and down 2-3 lbs in water and food weight, but today i stayed 140 most of the day. That cheers me up. I'm having cramps and bloating today too ugg i feel yucky. Maybe i'm retaining water from my period. Oh how i pray that's true!

i ate an extra...100-200 calories while making my man's lunch for tommorrow. My son was bugging me wanting cheese for some reason, and when i opened it, he didn't want it. So i ate it like a fat ass. I suck. But i was cleaning out the spare bedroom, and have more cleaning plans for tonightm, hopefully i burn a few cals. I know i'm done eating for the night. It isn't hard when everyone else is asleep, just hard when they're awake n i'm bored :(

I sucked today. I really wanted sweets. so i over did it. food for today....

less than 1 serving hot cheetos-100 cals
2 cups broccoli soup-250 cals
2 weight watchers ice creams-280 cals

630!!!!!

What the hell is wrong with me!? I was going to have such a good day today then i fucked up and bought ice cream along with veggies at the store. Er. So i ate two ice creams. I know i'm doing good despite the icecream because i'm starving, and shaking still. So hopefully the scale will be kind tomorrow. I'm going night night early tonight.